It's hard that everyone thinks I'm fine all the time. And when I'm not they say I will be fine. Because I always am.
It's interesting that I hate that because it is actually how I operate. I know the reality is that things are bad and will be bad. But I also have to sustain an optimism that it will have to be ok. I couldn't exist if I didn't believe that. But it doesn't mean I don't fall apart.
Ask a strong person why they are.
I was born with some of this, I know that. But the traumas I experienced growing up and through now have necessitated and compounded it.
I've never felt like I experienced a long bout of depression, short ones probably. But I've never acknowledged any amount of it. I don't exhibit all of the traits – I don't push people away. I just don't have many people close enough to reach out to. I've also experienced a lot of disappointment in people... I can't risk it anymore. I can't risk asking someone to be here to hear that it's inconvenient for what has been too many times.
But I do experience briefer periods, and this week it's happening. I'm in it, and saw it growing. I'm not ok right now. I will be, just not right now. I need people to let that be the case and stop expecting me to be ok, and stop expecting me to take care of it myself. When I say I'm not ok I'm saying I don't know why I'm here. When I say I'm not ok I'm asking for help. The kind where someone is literally here for me, giving me hugs and love. Just because I've made it this far without doesn't mean I don't need it too.