Help is a weird equation for me. I didn't get the things I needed growing up, and so disappointment has far deeper implications for me than it probably does for most. Disappointment feels like the weight of everything that ever failed me all over again and all at once.
But because I didn't get the things I needed, and often still don't, I have to ask for help. It's terrifying. Without asking I don't think I'd exist right now. But not getting help when it's asked for can do as much damage. And it's happened more times than I can really stand. It's caused immense trust issues. It's caused these patterns where I put people around me that I know will fail me, but having logical things to point at as to why is far safer than if there was no good reason, which would strike those chords of every disappointment.
But this year I fell apart. I've pushed forward. I've asked for an immense amount of help. I've gotten a lot of help, and I've been failed many times. But I am here and I'm so grateful, and I'm so proud of myself.
Two weeks ago I sent an email with the subject line "Help?" – I had coffee with that person the next day, and they were truly helpful.
Today I had this conversation with a friend:
I burst into tears over this lol. If she bails on me I'll probably become a hysterical mess for an entire day, but if she doesn't then I'll have made significant progress in my life that I can honestly say I'm not sure I could have on my own.
There is a lot I can do on my own. I know that because I'm here! I can really do it all. But my mental health has taken such a toll without the support that I need from other people. This equation isn't good for me, but I've hit a point where it has to be worth the risk. It's been incredibly empowering to believe that other people can be there for me, coupled with knowing that I can do it alone – it's a strong feeling. I'm starting a company. I have to believe I could do it on my own. But it'll be a hell of a lot more successful if I ask for every ounce of help I can get. If I hire people to take care of things more efficiently and higher quality than I would. I'm most excited about that, about building a team that is strong and supportive and can really do it. I have a lot of faith it will happen.
Despite the history of my life and the poor equation I have to work with – the real danger I face when I ask for help – I also have to believe that there are great people out there that will put in the work. And I really do believe that because the more I ask the more help I've gotten, from good wonderful loving people★. It terrifies me but it's such a good feeling. I've dealt with some shit, I can deal with more. But I need the good to outweigh it, and the only way to shift the odds is to keep trying.★★
★Thank you so so so so so so much. If you've even asked how I'm doing once this year, thank you. I can't express how meaningful it has been to me.
★★I don't know anything about odds or gambling or if equation is even remotely the appropriate correlation here but I assume this is sound logic ;)