It's hard that everyone thinks I'm fine all the time. And when I'm not they say I will be fine. Because I always am.
It's interesting that I hate that because it is actually how I operate. I know the reality is that things are bad and will be bad. But I also have to sustain an optimism that it will have to be ok. I couldn't exist if I didn't believe that. But it doesn't mean I don't fall apart.
Ask a strong person why they are.
I was born with some of this, I know that. But the traumas I experienced growing up and through now have necessitated and compounded it.
I've never felt like I experienced a long bout of depression, short ones probably. But I've never acknowledged any amount of it. I don't exhibit all of the traits – I don't push people away. I just don't have many people close enough to reach out to. I've also experienced a lot of disappointment in people... I can't risk it anymore. I can't risk asking someone to be here to hear that it's inconvenient for what has been too many times.
But I do experience briefer periods, and this week it's happening. I'm in it, and saw it growing. I'm not ok right now. I will be, just not right now. I need people to let that be the case and stop expecting me to be ok, and stop expecting me to take care of it myself. When I say I'm not ok I'm saying I don't know why I'm here. When I say I'm not ok I'm asking for help. The kind where someone is literally here for me, giving me hugs and love. Just because I've made it this far without doesn't mean I don't need it too.
I've been in a much better mood since I started working out again. I think before that was a better mood too but I don't know why. Maybe cause I'm also making food for myself again.
I'm feeling really good about how things are going, but I feel immense failure when I let something slip – like not sending a follow-up email that I should have.
This week I didn't spend as much time on Paloma as I wanted to. I actually didn't have any plans any night this week and expected it to be all working, but doubling up is hard to do. Instead I worked out three times already and have felt more productive in the days. One week away from full-time and I can't wait, but at the same time I have a lot that needs to get done before then so time is not a great friendly concept at the moment.
I got coffee with Natalie today and it was fantastic. I realize that the friends I have in NY took time to make and they care about me and I care about them, but they're not all my people and I've struggled with that, with forcing it to work with people that aren't the right things for me or vice versa. Anyway, I feel really lucky now to have a group of people (god bless the internet) that feel like good kinda caring people that there's a common understanding with. And while there isn't the same personal one-to-one closeness across the board, there kind of is in a way because of how much people care. I guess the baseline is just higher. I'm not explaining this well but it feels really good and like some sort of compensation for my deep struggles with relationships over the years. These people are genuine and good.
A man dm'd me on twitter trying to have a conversation about issues with sexism and I don't care. I responded to him and then he followed up and I just it's exhausting. I don't know what you're looking for from me. I don't know who you are, and you don't seem super interested in getting to know me and I just don't understand. I stopped responding.
I need to sleep and hopefully get up early. There's a lot to do :)